"We talk every day, I think about them constantly, and I feel incomplete without them." Sounds like love—but is it? Love is one of the most misunderstood and complex human emotions. It is often confused with several other emotions and is used interchangeably with emotional attachment. And much of the conflict in modern relationships stems from the inability to distinguish love from emotional attachment. In an interview with HT Lifestyle, Damini Grover, a therapist and life coach, shares how to distinguish genuine love from emotional attachment.
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Are love and emotional attachment different?
Damini highlighted that while love and attachment are used interchangeably, they are not the same thing. It’s important to understand that we as humans are hardwired for attachment.
In fact, psychologist John Bowlby posited that developing secure attachments with our caregivers and loved ones is a basic emotional need. Therefore, attachment is not the issue. However, it becomes one when it’s based on fear, not connection. For instance, you can get attached to anything, a person, a place, a routine or even an idea of what life should be.
Dynamics of emotional attachment
“Usually we develop attachments through familiarity, repeated experiences and the emotional importance we give to something, and that’s why sometimes we find it so hard to let go, even when something is no longer good for us,” said Damini.
For instance, people often struggle immensely to leave a relationship even if it’s toxic, and that's because they have at some level become used to the person, their presence, the routine they shared, even if it was toxic. So it's like being stuck together like glue, even if it's meaningless.
How is emotional attachment different from love?
Damini emphasised that love is less about having and more about being. It is about the growth and freedom of both people. So the whole unhealthy attachment says, “I need you to fill me up” and “I will go to any lengths to keep you, even if it’s hurting me and you”.
Love, on the other hand, says “I choose you,” but I don’t need to lose myself to keep you, nor will I hurt or harm you for my gain,"
Osho, Indian godman and founder of the new religious movement, the Rajneesh movement, rightly said, “Attachment is the desire for ownership while love is the willingness to let the other be.”
“Although this is a philosophical perspective, not a psychological one, it does beautifully bring out a crucial distinction,” said Damini. Healthy love isn’t about controlling or holding on to someone. It’s about caring deeply, yet respecting their independence and your own, and a secure attachment built on trust, safety, security and respect is the basis for healthy relationships where two people feel emotionally connected without having to control the other or lose themselves in the process.
Note for the readers: This article is for informational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional advice. Please consult a qualified expert for personalised guidance.